The Gift Of The Long Run

This last Saturday was the first long run to kick off Berlin Marathon training.

I’ve been anticipating just getting this training block kicked off for the last six months. Admittedly, I hate hovering in limbo, I really like to commit to an idea, so the literal forward momentum for this goal is everything to me.

As I thought was going to be the case, my running group from last year did not return (it turns out that they weren’t bullshitting that they probably wouldn’t do another marathon this year) so I was back in the uncomfortable cringe zone of running with a new crowd. Huge bummer because it took me all of 16 weeks last summer to really get into a good friend zone with them. They understood one fact that I’ve ALWAYS known about myself and that has never changed: I fucking hate talking when I run. It took them a few weeks to learn how awkward I was but then it was all good.

I love the idea of running in a group but hate the “chit chat.” Honestly, in the best of times, I have no idea what to say to people, even less so when I’m trying to calculate my HR zone, strides, my caloric intake, what temperature it is, dew point impact on paces, etc… asking a stranger about their motivation isn’t really my priority. That sounds shit, but I’m not here make myself look more well rounded then I really am.

Running has always been a solo event, the group run to me is purely to keep me accountable to myself, and I will state for the record, I enjoy getting second hand weird running clique vibes that non-runners love to call out, but yeah, please don’t direct that energy at me full force, you guys.

This week was a pretty easy 6 miles. I decided for long runs this year to kick it in a 10 minute pace group for a goal to shave 30 seconds off that for my full Berlin pace. And while doing my best to just say the minimum, I realized something: Long runs will always be my favorite torture because it teaches you to how to deal with the suffering. And that itself is such a gift. ← and I can’t do this while small talking.

Lately, my suffering is consistent as a low hum. No one can avoid suffering. Life comes after everyone in its own… fun way. Objectively, I’m in a class of people of which don’t work particularly too hard. I had really good parents, who gave me a ton of freedom to figure things out, I learned early have to navigate how to get where I wanted to go and pivot pretty quickly. Plus, I have the support of a guy who, against all odds, really really really likes me. He’s the grounded one between us, if you weren’t able to catch on to that yet. But with all of the support in the world, the exhaustion hits. The political landscape, the unknown world our kids will have to survive in, over processed food, meat and produce labeled “organic” that’s swimming in chemicals and bleached out… it never ends. All of this is exacerbated without my dog that I’ve had for over a decade that never left my side. I’ve to re-learn how to process things I used to just unload on her while feeding her carrots. Much like other well rounded adult women do to other women over mimosas. The silence that her absence has coated my life with over the last two weeks is weighing me down. Her loss is my entire suffering for now.

I’m sure people are thinking, “what about the chaos and sounds of your house with two small kids running around?!” Yep, that’s a thing still but, that’s not apart of my personal noise. That’s their own symphony buzzing onward. My sound has always been my thoughts paired with a chocolate lab claw “tap, tap, tap, tap” as her nails hit the floor next to me as I move throughout our home. It’s the snoring that I heard while working, it’s the softest whimper for whatever I’m eating (because I’ve always saved a bite for her), it’s the “awoowhoooo” howl she did when I asked if she wanted to go outside. It’s the sniffs directly in my ear hole as she settled down to sleep with me at night. And so, so, so much more. So yes, my personal world is very quiet now.

So, this post is just a really long winded and very unhinged way to say - my long run are dedicated to teach me how to handle my suffering and I’m embracing that gift.